The Rules of Cool – Car Badges
They may be tiny, but a badge related fashion faux pas is always a big one.
For this reason, we’ve created a straightforward guide that even BMW drivers should be able to understand (don’t be offended, Good Shout Media have had 6 BMWs in 2015):
The Rules Of Car Badging / Section 1 –
Are the badges factory fitted?
If the badges were put on at the factory, then it’s OK for them to stay that way*, unless you want to remove the badges completely, which is also fine, but do it yourself**, and do it properly.
Paying someone else to do it is cheating.
*Unless they’re violating Rule 3, Sections 2, 3 or 4
**Just because someone is breaking the rules doesn’t give you the right to vandalise a car, even if it is morally the right thing to do
The Rules Of Car Badging /Section 2 –
Is your car a diesel?
No one uses the term ‘dieselhead’. It’s just not cool. Take the badges off*
*but remember Section 1, and don’t be tempted to add non-factory badges instead. That will violate Section 3. Please send the paper part of your driving license to us so we can draw willies on it.
The Rules Of Car Badging / Section 3 –
Is your car telling lies?
If it isn’t in the engine, it shouldn’t be on the badge.
Eg. If you are driving a non-turbo diesel with aftermarket TD badges*, you’re breaking the rules of cool.
*If you have recently purchased a ‘Turbo’ or ‘Sport’ badge from Motorworld (RIP Motorworld, has that one now?!), please save it for the next classic car show you attend and stick it to the back of one of the vehicles in the Concours section. The judges will love it.
The Rules Of Car Badging / Section 4 –
Are you SURE your car isn’t telling lies?
It is vitally important that car owners understand the difference between an M-Series BMW car and a M-Spec BMW car, an S-Line Audi and an RS Audi, an AMG Spec Mercedes and an AMG Mercedes:
One is a rip-roaring, petrol powered beast fitted only with the most powerful engine from the manufacturers’ tuning division. The other is a car with some badges fitted to make it sell.
Putting badges on things just to make them sell is what supermarkets do before closing time and should not be allowed in the car world.
Remember Section 3. If it isn’t actually an AMG or M Series car, it shouldn’t be on the badge.
Eg. If you are driving a BMW 520d or 325i with M badges, we would refer you to Section 2. Please send the paper part of your driving license to us so we can draw willies on it.
The Rules Of Car Badging / Section 4 / Sub Section 1 –
Is your car a genuine AMG car with factory fitted badges that tell lies?
For many years, both BMW and Mercedes have been using a model numbering system that gives the derivative of car and the engine size as part of the badge. This system is universally recognised, meaning a BMW 525d is a 5 Series with a 2.5litre diesel engine, and a Mercedes E280 is an E Class with a 2.8 litre engine no matter where you are in the world.
This system must be adhered to, to maintain automotive order and to prevent the car sales market slipping into utter chaos.
Mercedes are guilty of not sticking to the rules they created, and have been known to badge cars as 6.3 when they are actually 5.5 litre. This is a direct contravention of Rule 3, Section 3, and becomes a punishable offence in the law courts of cool.
Eg. If you are driving a Mercedes G63, E63, SL63 or S63 AMG please remove the badges – you don’t have a 6.3 engine.
Eg. If you are driving a Mercedes GL63 or a ML63 please remove the badges, then have a long, hard look in the mirror to try work out why you’re driving a GL or ML63 at all. Find out where it all went wrong, send the paper part of your driving license to us so we can draw willies on it.
The Rules Of Car Badging / Section 4 / Sub Section 2 –
Is your car an AMG car with a 6.3 litre engine and factory fitted badges that don’t tell lies?
When a car sounds so good, it shouldn’t need badges, that’s just showing off. You are breaking the rules and you are not cool, despite the fact that the car sounds like the apocalypse just arrived on Godzilla’s back.